There’s one of those at my son’s Hebrew School.  Only she isn’t Jewish.

I was reminded of her as I finished writing Christmas cards to my sisters-in-law…in Portuguese.

For Lisa, she has said she feels caught in between.  Both her Jewish In-laws and her Catholic family don’t understand why she’s “so Jewish” when she’s not Jewish.  She and her husband made a commitment to raising their children in a Jewish home, and for better or worse in US society, women still most often set up the home and manage the children’s education and activities.  If she’s going to raise her children Jewish, she felt she needed to know what it means to live Jewishly, even if her own religion is Catholic.

For me, it’s just funny.  Once when writing in Portuguese to my 17 year old niece, I said (in Portuguese) “Excuse my written Portuguese, it’s not so good.”   Expecting her to write back, “It’s not so bad, Tia,” I had to laugh when she said “Really, Tia, it’s horrible!”  So, I may have said “Merry Christmas,” or I may have said “there are chickens in your freezer,” but I wrote it with love and spelled our names right at the end…and I made sure our family’s holiday cards were mailed.

For a glimpse at a different take on traditional roles, take a look at Gori Girl’s story of her intercultural marriage to a man from India.  As she says on her blog, “his family had been planning the event all along—all we did was show up.”    Given movies such as Bride Wars and the reality show Bridezillas, I imagine this may be the “opposite” of tradition for the U.S.  But it worked for them.

All of this goes back to the fact that there are no hard and fast rules for an intercultural relationship and that adapting to the demands of the situation may be the best route.  Gender roles may trump cultural norms.  Geography may influence process.

Whether it’s adopting Friday night Shabbos candle lighting rituals to create a Jewish home, learning Portuguese to send holiday greetings to family, or dressing in a Sari, taking the time to learn your partner’s culture and flexibility in responding to the day to day demands of the relationship can only bring you closer.

How do you manage in your cross-cultural relationship?  Are you doing things you never imagined doing?

And with that I say Boas Festas.  Tudo de bom no ano novo.

Photo credit:  Confused by ohkulala on Photobucket

What might be a better way to prepare?  How about going to a completely new neighborhood or grocery store in your City, where you are sure to be the only one “like you.”  What if no-one speaks your language?  Do you feel defensive?  Angry?  Do you put off asking for things you need, afraid that you’ll start a conversation you don’t know how to finish, or do you behave more politely, like a guest, waiting for your host to take the lead?  Being the minority or sole representative of your culture can bring out all of these feelings, which are even more exacerbated if there’s a language barrier.  Bottle this feeling so that you can bring an air of empathy to your international guest, who might be feeling this same frustration at being understood and appreciated. 

How about asking questions?   I’m breaking my own rule by possibly perpetuating a stereotype, but there is no way I can or will saying anything even remotely negative about my Brazilian husband’s mother (not that there would be anything to say, honey!), or expect a neutral answer if I do ask.  (Think about it, you’d basically be asking your spouse to choose between you and his/her mom-don’t do it!).   That said, there are a lot of other Brazilians in Chicago (or Boston, where we were living at the time) for whom questions like “what should I wear?  What should I serve? My mother in-law rearranged my cabinets while I was at work, should I be offended?” would be completely neutral.  Ask a stranger, who most likely will be delighted to help and share insight and who can be more objective because they are not emotionally involved. 

Where to find strangers?  Go to a Brazilian restaurant and engage in small talk with your server…”Hey, my mother-in-law is coming to town, any customs I should know about?”  Or, call the local Chinese American Chamber of Commerce to ask what might be an appropriate gift or other meeting protocol that is common in China.  Our Korean guests were delighted to find five sets of new slippers lined up by the door for them to change into upon arrival at our house for a New Year’s Eve party one year.  A call to a friend married to a man from Korea yielded this handy tip that made everyone feel welcomed from the get-go.  You may get funny looks, or even people offended (unlikely) because you present your question with an assumption behind it, but at least you have learned from this “pretend” relationship and are prepared for your critical relationship.

And remember, it’s a lifelong process of constantly challenging yourself to develop and be aware of all of your means of communication, verbal, non-verbal and facilitated, and it’s a lifelong process of being willing to put yourself into the vulnerable position of being the other and of making mistakes. 

If you feel uncomfortable, you’re probably on the right track.

What other things have you done to prepare to meet someone from another country? What worked?  What didn’t?  What was a big mistake that you have made and learned from?

• 1) Hang a map of the world on your wall! Ignorance breeds indifference. Point out locations of world events on the map as they happen, or make it a game to see who can find it first. You’ll instill compassion and learn geography at the same time. ($2.22 plus shipping from Amazon, or free online).
• 2) Host an international visitor. Contact the local office for any of a number of person-to-person diplomacy organizations, such as Sister Cities International, Partners of the Americas or the National Council for International Visitors, and let them know you are willing to provide a home stay for international visitors. Home stays for professionals are generally short, from a few days to a week or so.  (Some programs even offer a stipend to the host family.)
• 3) Create your own, new cross-cultural traditions. Don’t be afraid to adapt or even combine traditions while honoring their source. What a fun way to experiment or use your imagination. What might a combined sweet potato/pumpkin pie taste like? My Brazilian husband went out of his way to bring sugary, pineapple Danish to our New Year’s Eve Celebration. “Okay…great,” was my initial, baffled response. At midnight as he served the Danish he explained to our friends how much he enjoyed the Jewish tradition of eating something sweet (Apples and honey is the traditional fare for the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah) to ring in the New Year. How sweet indeed! (Cost of ingredients-and you have to eat anyway, right?)
• 4) Learn words and phrases in another language. word2word.com has links to free online language learning resources for 119 languages.  The Portuguese link even had audio for correct pronunciation.  (Free)

These just scratched the surface.  What else can you do?