It’s day five of Spring break, and my 8 year old is challenging my intercultural (aka intergenerational) communications competence.  While we have disagreed on a plethora of other things this week (I love my child, I love my child) we both agreed yesterday that “how can I claim to be a great arbitrator, a coach on communicating across lines of difference, when I’m challenged in that area on the homefront.” (I’ve addressed this dynamic at family gatherings in the past.)

But it’s not me…it’s him I exclaim! 

So, to have some fun and maybe gain some insight (I’m telling only YOU this–PLEASE do not tell my child!), I googled:  ”how to approach intercultural communications when the OTHER guy’s an asshole.”

Believe it or not, actually came up with some good advice, a la the “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”  In particular, I enjoyed the “Nice Guys Guide to Authority,” by Sonia Simone   After all, he wants me to be nice, and I want to maintain some semblance of authority. 

But sometimes nice guys don’t project a sense of authority. Everyone wants to spend time with us, but they don’t necessarily want to do what we tell them to.

And make no mistake, my friends, we want them to do what we tell them to.

Hallelujah!

The main tenets are to 1.) be incredibly good at what you do; 2.) know where you are going; 3.) know your core; 4.) get your ego out of the way; and 5.) be disarming.

I found the ideas above, paired with Simone’s “The Toddler’s Guide to Salesmanship,” (the value of repetition, surprise humor, or a favorite one I heard on NPR once, that for kids, negotiating begins at “no”) to be the perfect combination of strategies to reenergize and continue to work at what is and can only be a lifelong relationship full of love.

The only thing I would add is the value of separation–that sometimes when negotiations or a project become too challenging, it’s good to step away for brief respite, to re-focus and re-engergize, even if it’s only for an hour or two. 

How do you handle challenging communications?  Do you “practice what you preach” in your professional and personal communications?  Can you say babysitter?

Photo Credit childbehaviorproblems.xango.com

However, without diminishing the value of this “cultural tourism” experience, I also recognize that it can’t be left in isolation.     As we neared our destination yesterday, the boys looked at the car next to us, and my son said, “Hey, there’s a Chinese man in that car,” as though it were something different-part of ‘our’ cultural experience of visiting Chinatown.  Lamely, I said something like “Oh, maybe he’s going to the parade too,” or “maybe his lives in Chinatown.”  Why did the boys feel it was so out of the ordinary that they needed to announce that the man was Chinese, and how did I perpetuate the idea of “otherness” by basically stating that if he was Chinese, he must live in Chinatown.  

The boys had learned about the Chinese New Year at school this week, I googled and printed out fast facts about the Chinese New Year from blogs and websites to read over lunch, and I enjoyed the familiarity that our ‘pre-study’ afforded us during our experience of the event.  For that knowledge, the true interest of the kids and the delighted, surprised smiles we elicited as we shouted “Kung Hei Fat Choy,” (Chinese blessing for prosperity and future success-not Happy New Year, as I had thought). I am grateful.  But I’m also keenly aware of the ongoing follow up work I need to do so that rather than being a single event with a start and finish, it becomes part of the ongoing thread in developing an intercultural conscience. 

Did you celebrate the Chinese New Year?  How?  How would you have responded to a child’s announcement of the neighboring driver’s presumed cultural identity?  Was it simply a statement of fact, and am I projecting my own unconscious biases by so deeply analyzing it?

Where does family fit in, you may ask?  I’ve always thought that if you are an expert at cross-cultural communications, you should be able to get along with anyone, including everyone in your family.    If the old adage “practice makes perfect” rings true, family life is rich with opportunity to practice your cultural competency skills. 

Diversity Best Practices captures diversity as “the wide spectrum of experiences, values, perspectives, and outlooks that are generated from our distinctions. These differences may include race, ethnicity, gender, age, religious affiliation, language group, abilities/disabilities, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, geographic region, and more.”  My family captures at least 8 of 10 of these differences.  Add differences in experience and belief systems, and it’s no wonder there are movies and plays about dysfunctional family gatherings from a multitude of cultural perspectives.

The good news is there’s still time to practice before the next round of holiday gatherings.  Here are three tips to help you prepare adapted from The Thiagi Group’s list of 101 Intercultural Insights: 

DON’T GET ANGRY — ASK QUESTIONS. Put aside your own emotional reactions to unexpected behaviors, and avoid making assumptions about the motives behind those behaviors.   

BE PATIENT, WITH YOURSELF AND WITH OTHERS. Working across cultures provides many ‘opportunities’ to make mistakes or be unintentionally offensive.

GIVE RESPECT. In working with people anywhere, probably the most important aspect of your behavior is conveying respect. If it is apparent that you have, and are trying to show, respect for the other person, then generally faux pas are of little consequence.

So if Uncle Bob starts to nod off after asking ‘what’s new’, ask “why?” Your life may not be boring; your uncle may just be tired from driving so far to see you.   And if mom says your pumpkin pie was SO much better this year, she may really be trying to compliment this year’s meal. 

Intercultural communications is about truly coming together to communicate across lines of difference.  Embrace your family holiday gatherings as the ultimate test of your accomplishment, and enjoy.