Farm Scene Birthday Cake

I have to tell you in all honesty that my 9 year old son and I made this birthday cake for his dad/my husband with all the love in our hearts.  Sergio always says he wants to retire on a farm so we chose a farm theme, and inspired by the amazing book “Hello Cupcake,” set to work to create this amazing farm scene, complete with horses, a small pond with fish, and a silo, made of inverted stacked ice cream cones topped with one of those snowball marshmallow cakes, and covered in icing.

Did you say silo?  Yes, I said silo.  That’s what I said.  And that’s what it looks like, right?

Not according to the guests who came to the birthday party that night. 

Scientific Data vs. Generalizations/Assumptions

Now, for a quick sociological analysis of this study, to see if there is any trending of perceptions based on sexual orientation or gender.

Overall, of 21 people total 33.3% of the people attending the party were so moved upon seeing the cake as to approach me and say “so, what’s up with the cake?”  

Of that sample, 29% of the people who self-identified as straight and 43% of the people who self identified as gay thought the silo was something else.  By gender, 25% of the women and 39% of the men saw the alternative interpretation.   So, scientifically, it looks like the gay men were more likely to immediately stop and say “oh my…”

The lesson for intercultural communications? 

1.  Not everyone sees things the same way.

 2.  Once someone shares with you his or her interpretation of or orientation to an object, idea or concept, you will never be able to look at that item the same again.  Your perception is forever changed by learning that of another.

 3.  Just as diverse teams can improve the bottom line with a more productive work place, a diversity of backgrounds and perspectives will make your party more fun, too.

What does this look like to you?  No need to answer in writing, but if you do, please include your sexual orientation to add to the data collection.

After all of the build up, there was no way Dillon was going to miss trying a hot dog in Paris.

“A foot long, on a full baguette, and covered with cheese,” I recalled from my high school exchange trip.

“Sometimes with French Fries stuffed right into the bun!” added my husband.

“It lived up to the hype” said Dillon (not really, he’s 9, but he said something to that effect.)   And then we stopped to ponder the calorie/fat content in such a delicacy.  Ouch!  How can people eat these and stay in shape?

The next morning over breakfast of croissants and butter (isn’t that redundant?) our hostess, good friend and native Parisienne, Laurence, pointed out “But French people are not fat.  We walk everywhere.  We eat well, but we eat three meals and nothing in between.”

Ahh, I thought–the hot dog in the US is the “snack” you eat to hold you over until dinner.  Sure, it can be a meal, but it’s more the “I’m at the game-I smell the cart-Let’s grab a hotdog” kind of thing.

So there are two Intercultural Lessons here:

1.  Your opinion on things will influence your child’s (or student’s) anticipation of them.  That’s a powerful and responsible position, particularly when it comes to engaging in and experiencing different cultural traditions, and

2.  It’s good to understand the full context of an item in another culture, to understand that not only might something be prepared differently, but the custom around its consumption might be different in different cultures (think salad before or after dinner, and cheese for dessert?).

Who knew a hot dog could be such a good teacher?

What favorite foods or pasttimes from your culture have you tried in another?  How were they different?  How were they the same?

Between a Bat Mitzvah (Jewish coming of age ceremony, Bat for girl, Bar for boy) on Saturday and a conversation at lunch yesterday that exposed multiple unconsicous assumptions of mine, I seem to have race, bias, and interculturalism on the brain, and in particular the idea of how culture is passed-on from one generation to the next.

One of the traditions in the Bat Mizvah ceremony is the “Passing of the Torah.   The generations line up, from the 12 or 13 year old bat mitzvah to the parents to the grandparents, and they literally pass the torah–the sacred teachings of Judaism–down from generation to generation until it lands with the youngest generation symbolically ready to takeover as an adult.  I cry every time, looking so profoundly at how we love and raise our children to lead the future. 

As far as the lunch conversation, I got stumped twice–not really stumped, but finding myself having to check my preconceived ideas about “the way things are.” 

My girlfriend, who is Chinese-American, is married to a man who is Korean-American.  Thinking I am so hip and cool unlike my fellow Americans who lump everyone together under “Asian,” I asked if she noticed differences between their Chinese and Korean cultural traditions, thinking I could expound on my deep knowledge and intercultural hyper-sensitivity. 

Well, she noticed differences, but mostly because he was, the best that she could describe, “so Indiana.”  Her husband was adopted as a baby by a couple in small-town Indiana, and their heritage traced back to Germany.  There was really nothing dominant that was culturally Korean about him.

Both instances reflect the passing and learning of culture.  The Bat Mitzvah is in the more traditional sense, Jews teaching Jewish tradition from generation to generation. 

My friend’s husband is in the more global sense, and challenges or guards us against assumptions–as culture is learned, his cultural identity and even values and communication style are most likely normed around a northern European tradition–the one in which he grew up.

But even my friend finds it interesting that a conservative, small town family did something so “exotic” (her word) like adopting a child from Asia.  In fact, when the two of them were taking a road trip (they now live in the Big City…Chicago) to see his family they stopped at McDonald’s, and she said the entire place stopped eating and stared at this Asian couple who had entered their midst. 

So he is culturally one of “them” but not immediately recognized as such. 

And, on top of that he is a stay-at-home dad.  Well, I don’t know what to say now, except that he sounds brilliant and fantastic and defies any categorization you (ouch–was that me trying to do that?) might try to place on him.

Remind you of anyone you know (yourself included?)

Photo credit MHZmaster on flickr

Probably not billed as a kids movie (more “gratuitous” nudity than the average PG movie) but Dillon and I were excited to see “Babies,” the documentary, which follows the lives of four babies during their developmental years (from birth to walking):  Ponijao from Namibia, Bayarijargal from remote Mongolia, Mari in Tokyo, Japan, and Hattie in San Francisco, CA.

We were espeicially curious after USA Today gave the move a good review, but the Chicago Reader said “In the press notes (Director Thomas) Balmes argues that material advantages hardly compare to the love a child enjoys, but this sunny sentiment is belied by the yawning gap in the kids’ living conditions: the American and Japanese babies enjoy nice toys and stimulating mom-and-tot classes, while the African child plays with mud and flies.”

Our take?  The Reader’s evaluation is through a USAmerican lens that gauges happiness solely by material goods.  In some cases the babies from Tokyo and San Francisco seemed so protected as to have no “real’ contact with the outside world and depended on their parents for entertainment.  The babies from Mongolia and Namibia seemed to engage and learn from everything around them.  And, as Dillon mentioned, Mari cried in frustration when surrounded by toys in her Tokyo apartment, while Bayarjargal giggled in delight in Mongolia, completely absorbed by a role of toilet paper.

Three other takes:  1.) I was so the USAmerican Mom!  Native American singing classes, dolls with different skin colors, baby books called “No Hitting.” (Note to self, get out of house to experience different cultures); 2.) Our own bias (or lack of knowledge) shows in our reference to the baby from the Himba Tribe in Namibia always as “African” or from Africa–that’s like saying a baby is from Europe or South America, rather than from a specific country or culture–bias noted and research underway for next time; and 3.) Maybe sit away from anybody else–we whispered and chatted the whole time–lots of questions, comparisons, so many things to notice–too much for a child to absorb in silence!

The trailer is worth a peak, and ends with Dillon’s favorite scene–the goat drinking bath water, while the baby is still in it!

Have you seen it?  What do you think?  Got any other good intercultural family movies to suggest?

Remember the 1958 film The Blob, with its big red amorphous goo rolling and taking over the town, absorbing the minds of young people who were not strong enough to resist?  Of course the “BIG RED BLOB” was none too subtle a reference to the Red Scare and fear of Communism taking over the US. 

Russia’s our friend now, so in Furry Vengeance, it’s the big bad Asian and Indian business people who heartlessly come in and tear up our natural resources and values in the name of the almighty dollar.  When I pointed this out to Dillon (okay, I should have waited more than 3 minutes after the movie ended to point out my theory) he said exasperated, “can I just enjoy the movie first?”

But the stereotypes were just too over the top. 

With the Asian-American businessman, Neil Lyman of Lyman Industries (played by actor Ken Jeong), he’s obviously USAmerican, and his role has nothing to do with being of Asian descent, and yet he inexplicably goes into some sort of Chinese, Japanese, Karate, English Gibberish rant when enraged, as in “aii yaaai yowie you stew-peed.  He then ads some fake karate tae Kwan do preparation moves in defense.

The Indian investors are fairly quiet, but when Brendan Frasier as the dad makes his impassioned plea “if you sign you’ll kill all the baby animals” Lyman counters with “but you’ll make oodles of money,” to which he completely unaffected says “give me the pen, where do I sign?”

Finally, in a purely gratuitous swipe at the elderly, the only character in the entire movie over 40 is constantly forgetting what she is saying and trying to get everyone, including even the raccoon, to paint pine cones.  Clearly there are no OLD PEOPLE in Utopia.

So maybe I’m overreacting, I thought.  What did others think?  In the blogosphere—right there with me on the awful stereotyping.  On the more mainstream media—only one star, but mostly for simply not being that funny.  And then I read the Chicago Tribune movie critic’s review:

“A bit player exaggerates his Mexican accent, and the Korean American doctor-turned-comic Jeong bursts into shrill, sing-songy Korean chatter on his cell-phone. Kids are never too young to find foreign languages funny.” 

Thank you, Mr. Movie critic, for pointing out kids are never too young to mock other cultures and laugh at racist stereotypes.

Well, at least they may take away a positive (albeit 2 dimensional pound-you-over-the-head-with-it) message about protecting the environment. 

Oh, and my 9 year old son liked the movie–there are potty scenes and skunk scenes and getting sprayed with water to look like you just did youknow what…all around general humor that will appeal to a child.

Oh, and we’re still talking about it and how cultures are represented or stereotyped in film almost a week later. 

So, in the end, perhaps the laugh is on those who created the stereotyped characters in the first place. 

What movies have you seen lately?  How do you balance letting your child enjoy it, while also opening discussion for learning?

Intercultural Talk was delighted to catch up with Dr. Charlton McIlwain following his ‘appearance’ on DoctorRadio on Sirius/XM Radio earlier this week, talking about “Teaching Kids about Race.” 

1.  What are the top three pointers you have for parents when teaching kids about race?

2.  Does how one talks about race with their children change based on the race of the parents, e.g. will (should?) African-Americans teach it differently than Caucasians?  If a family is multi-racial, will that make it different?

That’s a good question. I think my first reaction would be to say no – that how one talks about race with children should be the same no matter your racial/ethnic background. That being said, it is certainly likely that the content of what one talks about will be quite different. When we look at the historical underpinnings of race and racism people of different backgrounds have played very different roles and groups of people have been affected differently. Thus, a white parent speaking to his or her children may find themselves explaining to their children what role other whites had in something like slavery, or having to answer a question like, “Why do Black people think I’m a racist because I’m White?” On the other hand, a  Black parent may find him or herself addressing comments or questions like, “Why are White people prejudiced? or Why are there so few people that look like me on Television or in my school textbook? A multiracial family may find themselves having to address all of these and more! The truth is, everyone from all backgrounds should probably confront all of these types of questions and issues, but some may be more salient than others depending on one’s background.
 

3.  How might parents avoid passing along their own unconscious bias when talking to kids about race?

Being able and willing to recognize them when they come up. Be willing to point out and talk about those biases when they are expressed by their children. Try to impress on children that when they express some bias or prejudice, the object is not simply to not say it or express it again. It’s to think through why those biases may or may not be true, hurtful, harmful, etc.. In this way kids learn to be aware of and be able to police their own biases and expressions rather than merely censoring them.

4.  Any tips for helping children respond if they are the recipients of a racist remark (or does even asking this question set up a defensiveness going in for the child) 

Try to teach them that they should not respond in kind. Try to teach them that they should not accept or internalize the underlying prejudices and sentiments of the remark. Try to teach them that in many cases they should seek out an ally – a parent, teacher, principal – who will be able to talk to the person who made the remark.

5.  What question am I missing? What final advice might you provide for parents?

I would say that point one under question one is by far the most important thing. Make sure you are willing, and that your children know you are willing to talk about race and racial issues any time – before something happens, after something happens, if nothing happens…

Dr. McIlwain is an Associate Professor of Media, Culture & Communication at New York University.  His expertise, research and teaching focus on race and media and racial discourse in the United States.  Intercultural Talk ( @cultureguru) recommends keeping up with him @cmcilwain) and @smcaliendo and their Project on Race in Political Communication on Twitter.

Any additional tips you would share?  What’s worked for you?  What hasn’t?

Not only did she get his signature, but everyone else at the party, my mom shared.  “When I walked in, only me and your father, and maybe one or two other people were white.  Everyone else was black, Asian, Hispanic…” my mom said of the recent gathering at her former Teachers Aide’s graduation party in St. Louis. 

For my mom, it was the passion for the animals that had her determined to speak with everyone at the party.  But at the end of the day it was my mom, who at 74, having grown up and lived in a predominantly white neighborhood her whole life, who had a transformational experience.  She was so excited to share that with me.  “I can’t believe I wouldn’t have met all these amazing people or had such great conversations,” she said, if she had pre-judged outcomes based on skin color or ethnic origin.

I appreciated her sharing it, and realized there are great applications to intercultural communications, whether you are a practitioner  or just practicing it in your own life:

1. It is possible to have influence up and down the “food chain.”

I talk a lot about Intercultural Parenting and raising culturally sensitive kids.  How wonderful to know that my parents have been listening as well.  My mom enjoyed the experience of the party, but also was very excited to share it with me. 

2.  You can teach an old dog new tricks.

My mom would kill me if she thought in any way I was calling her an ‘old dog,’ but the point is that we can learn new things every day.  Every new experience offers a new perspective. 

Before the end of the weekend my dad also was proud to share his story of the woman he connected with at the doctor’s office in Chicago.   He, a nearly 80 year old white guy, she a young African American nurse.  Turns out that a couple of generations apart they had grown up around the corner from each other, attended the same elementary school, and he’s going to check upon his return to to St. Louis, but she may even be related to one of his business colleagues.

Which brings me to the third lesson:

3. You can’t change others, but by changing yourself you automatically change your influence with others.

“Do what I say, not what I do” might be something we try to use on our children to get complicity, but our actions speak louder than words.  And sometimes it may feel we are repeating the same things over and over, but it’s nice to see that our own consistent vocalizaiont of ideas supported by action may be rubbing off. 

Leading by example.  Who have you influenced lately?

It’s day five of Spring break, and my 8 year old is challenging my intercultural (aka intergenerational) communications competence.  While we have disagreed on a plethora of other things this week (I love my child, I love my child) we both agreed yesterday that “how can I claim to be a great arbitrator, a coach on communicating across lines of difference, when I’m challenged in that area on the homefront.” (I’ve addressed this dynamic at family gatherings in the past.)

But it’s not me…it’s him I exclaim! 

So, to have some fun and maybe gain some insight (I’m telling only YOU this–PLEASE do not tell my child!), I googled:  ”how to approach intercultural communications when the OTHER guy’s an asshole.”

Believe it or not, actually came up with some good advice, a la the “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”  In particular, I enjoyed the “Nice Guys Guide to Authority,” by Sonia Simone   After all, he wants me to be nice, and I want to maintain some semblance of authority. 

But sometimes nice guys don’t project a sense of authority. Everyone wants to spend time with us, but they don’t necessarily want to do what we tell them to.

And make no mistake, my friends, we want them to do what we tell them to.

Hallelujah!

The main tenets are to 1.) be incredibly good at what you do; 2.) know where you are going; 3.) know your core; 4.) get your ego out of the way; and 5.) be disarming.

I found the ideas above, paired with Simone’s “The Toddler’s Guide to Salesmanship,” (the value of repetition, surprise humor, or a favorite one I heard on NPR once, that for kids, negotiating begins at “no”) to be the perfect combination of strategies to reenergize and continue to work at what is and can only be a lifelong relationship full of love.

The only thing I would add is the value of separation–that sometimes when negotiations or a project become too challenging, it’s good to step away for brief respite, to re-focus and re-engergize, even if it’s only for an hour or two. 

How do you handle challenging communications?  Do you “practice what you preach” in your professional and personal communications?  Can you say babysitter?

Photo Credit childbehaviorproblems.xango.com