Dear Mrs. Obama,

Wow, what a cool appearance on I-Carly (debuted January 16, “iMeet the First Lady.” How exciting to use such a popular platform to spread the message about how important it is to support military families.  It was a brilliant marketing idea (I understand it was yours) to reach the 5.5 million people who watched the episode, making it the week’s top telecast with all kid and tween demos.  The show served as a great Public Service Announcement to support military families.

On the other hand, I’m sorry you couldn’t have put in a plug for anti-racism and healthy relationships—in particular non-violent resolution to conflict.  Without denigrating what you did and the positive message you spread, I’m wondering if you’ve watched the show lately.  While we (me, my husband and our 10 year old son) have watched the show for at least a couple of years, (and we didn’t want to miss seeing you) 2012 is the year we say goodbye.

Why? First, we can’t swallow the promotion of violence as the first resolution to conflict, particularly for young people beginning to explore love relationships.   It was the “iCan’t Take It” episode in September, at the outset of Season 5, that did it.  Freddie and Sam are getting closer, Carly hates being in the middle, Gibby gets revenge by telling Mrs. Benson, Freddie’s mom, and all hell breaks loose.  But for every conflict, Sam reacts violently.  She gets mad at Freddie, she kicks him.  She gets mad at Gibby, she pulls out a 3” section of hair and scalp.  Gibby threatens Mrs. Benson.   And it’s all supposed to be funny. 

But it’s not.  You know why?  Because teen-dating violence is real, and it’s not funny.  According to the Bureau of Justice teen dating violence statistics , about one in three high school students have been or will be involved in an abusive relationship.  The show is following tweens morphing into teens, puppy love, learning about relationships.  According to iCarly—lying, beating, punching and kicking is the way to go.  To which I say no. 

And I did, until all of the promo for iStill Pshycho, the much hyped follow-up to last year’s iPsycho, where Carly, Sam and Freddie are taken hostage by an over-zealous fan.  We hadn’t watched since September, Sam and Freddie are no longer a couple; so, let’s try it again, right?

Except that, aside from the fact that untreated mental illness is not funny (think Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords), the violence has escalated.  IPsycho features torture, sword fights, and possibly worse, passive inaction at the suffering of others.  Freddie is attacked while Sam and Carly idly watch eating cake.  “It was really good cake,” they explain.  Gibby makes it to the top of the chimney to get help for the others imprisoned inside, only to get stuck.  The neighborhood kids, seeing his plight, instead pelt him with tennis balls.  

But the subplot is what really got me…over the top racism.  T-Bo, the manager of the Groovy Smoothie shop and only African American character on the show (On the good side, I suppose, it looks like his character is being integrated more centrally into the show) is now renting a room from Mrs. Benson, Freddie’s over-protective mom.  But, it looks like to stay there, he is being forced to act “white.”  To act “Proper” is the term used in the plot summary.  But to act “proper,” he changes from his bright clothes into a suit and neatly secures his waist long dreadlocks before heading ‘home.’  He speaks in a formal voice, and has to learn to play Mahjong (Note—my 10 year old son says this last point undermines my argument that he’s forced to act white, as Mahjong is a 2,000 year old Chinese game.)  Why does he do this, the kids ask him? “If my mom sees how he really is,” answers Freddie, “she’d never let him in my house.” 

“Let’s all pretend T-Bo doesn’t have feelings,” he responds.

In the end, after riding a motorcycle through the door and saving Spencer (Carly’s older brother) and the kids from an eternity in hell, he’s allowed to be himself and stay at Mrs. Benson’s, but when he goes in to join the group hug—they recoil in disgust, not wanting to be touched by him.

So, Mrs. Obama, I understand that Sasha and Malia are fans of the show.  My question to you is, are these the lessons you are planning to teach them?  For me and my ten year old son, the answer is no.

Perhaps the real answer is watching together to talk about the issues.  “How could that have been resolved differently?”  “What would/could you have done in that situation?”

What are you and your kids doing together, and what are you talking about at the dinner table?

Photo Credits:  Mrs. Obama on iCarly, Lisa Rose/Nickelodeon, T-Bo in Suit from Robs I-Carly blog, and T-Bo as himself, Sodahead

Found this movie, A Day Without a Mexican, in the ‘returns pile’ at the Library, and had to see it.  What would happen if you woke up in the middle of a bustling US City (Los Angeles) and all of the Mexican’s were gone?

That’s what happens in this great mock-documentary, directed by Sergio Arau.  White people in business suits are washing their own cars and taking care of their own children;  the tourism industry is strangled as food and dirty dishes languish in kitchens, professional baseball stops, schools close for lack of teachers, crops rot on the ground, the weather by LA’s favorite weatherman goes unreported…

“How do you make the invisible visible?” asks starring actress Yarelli Arizmendi, “you take it away.”  Yarelli is Lila Rodriguez, a TV News reporter and the only Hispanic left in LA, until she discovers she is really Armenian, only adopted and raised by Mexicans.  Although once she says, upon the revelation by an aunt of her “true” ethnic identity, ”In my heart I’m really Mexican,” she disappears, too. (This prompted a great discussion with our son about what determines cultural identity…nature or nurture).

Respondents on “Rotten Tomatoes” were not all kind, commenting that the movie is based on a single premise, and clearly has a single opinion, but watching in the comfort of our home, with our son, it gave us plenty to think about and talk even two weeks later.  The behind the scenes–how the movie got started, interviews with the actors, etc., all were very interesting as well.

What do you watch together as a family?  Did you grow from it?

My husband and I have skirted this conversation for 24 years.  Not really skirted.  For us, culturally Jewish (me) and Brazilian (him, non-Jewish) we are comfortable with our choices to raise our son Jewish, and make sure he is well connected to his Brazilian heritage, despite growing up in the US.  

But family members sometimes like to make suggestions.

We’ve survived my Grandmother whispering at the top of her lungs “too bad he’s not Jewish,” after we were married, and after he had just changed a flat tire on my uncle’s car to save us waiting 4 hours for AAA.

We laughed through my mom pointing out that Sergio’s mom’s maiden name, Perreira, was the most popular name for Jewish families escaping the inquisition in Portugal and fleeing to Brazil in the 1500’s.

We really laughed when the US government issued him a citizenship certificate changing his last name to Bonastein (instead of Bonaventura) when he became a citizen years ago.  “See, even the US Government wants you to be Jewish,” we joked.

But it was the conversation at dinner the other night that really gave him pause. 

Our son Dillon was contemplating becoming vegetarian and discussing the care of chickens, factory farmed versus free range, when Sergio spontaneously announced, “My mom used to drain the blood from chickens when she prepared them.”

That’s the kosher way to prepare a chicken

Hmm, we both thought.  Probably like her mom did. And her mom did.  And her mom did, just as cultural traditions, this one Jewish, are passed from generation to generation.

I remember being struck year’s ago by a woman I met in passing in the locker room at the health club.  She was a Russian immigrant who had recently relocated to Chicago.  She was talking about growing up in Communist Russia, where practicing any religion was forbidden.

Her family didn’t self-identify as Jewish, but she recently was starting to reevaluate certain traditions they had always practiced. Out of habit, and with no apparent meaning…like lighting candles on Friday nights—a Jewish, Shabbat tradition.

So what happens when culture is removed from the acts of tradition?  Does it tell a deeper story of familial history, or perhaps world history?   

What are your family traditions?  Do you know why?

Photo Credit:  fanelian’s photo stream on flickr

Just ask Ryan, who’s overweight, or Samantha who doesn’t quite know how to socialize—because of a developmental disability, or maybe not.  Kids know when they are different, but do they know how to make others feel included?

In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day my mom, a 40 year veteran of teaching Religious Education at two reform Jewish congregations, asked me to be the “guest speaker” last weekend for her kindergarten class about the legacy of Dr. King.

I had 20 minutes, and they were 5.  In the world of “coulda, shoulda, woulda” could I have prepared more?  Should I have included more biographical information on Dr. King?  Would it have been better for her to have selected someone else?

Sure, but here’s what I say.  1.) Put your money where your mouth is.  If someone asks you to volunteer to speak about something about which you feel passionate (equitable society, combating prejudice, etc.) you say yes, and 2.) If adults will only remember three things that you tell them, kids will remember one.

The Government was denying people rights because of their skin color.  That was wrong.  Dr. King acted and fought for what was right.

Alright kids, what does Judaism say we are obligated to do when we see something wrong in the world?  “Fix it!” they shouted.  Lesson learned?  Hope so.  Lesson lasting?  Hope so too.

Here’s what we did in 20 minutes or less:

ACTIVITY 1:  “Same and Different”

EQUIPMENT NEEDED:  None

ROOM SET-UP:  Helpful to have two to three distinct corners, tables, or ‘bases’ within room where kids can go.

LEARNING OBJECTIVE:  We really don’t know anything about a person or what we might share in common with them, just by physical appearance.  Getting to know someone is what shows his or her character.  Judging before knowing is called prejudice, and might prevent a child from making a good friend.

HOW TO:  Select 4 to 6 questions that will allow the kids to self-select based on things called out by the leader.  Examples might be “boy or girl;” “oldest, middle, youngest, or only child;” “food preferences, such as liking fish or chocolate.”

“If you are the oldest child, go to table 1. If you are the youngest child, go to table 2. If you’re the middle child, table 3”

“If you are a boy, got to table 1; if you are a girl, go to table 2”

“If you are Jewish, go to table 1.”  (Also good to show that just because we are all the same, Jewish, doesn’t mean we all like the same things.)

“If you like to eat fish, go to table 1.  If you don’t like fish or you’re a vegetarian, go to table 2.”

Each time the kids were told to look at who was in their group.   Sometimes kids were similar or different based on physical characteristics. Sometimes all the kids were the same.  And sometimes kids found things in common with each other that they didn’t know just by looking.

“So what can you tell just by looking at someone?”  “Nothing!” answered one child.”

“How can you tell if you might be friends with someone?  “By what’s inside,” said another.

ACTIVITY 2:  Blue Eyes/Brown Eyes (VERY truncated version derived from hearing about the original experment)

EQUIPMENT NEEDED:  None

ROOM SET-UP:  Helpful to have two to three distinct corners, tables, or ‘bases’ within room where kids can be in the same room, but separated.

LEARNING OBJECTIVE:  Recognizing Institutional Bias and standing up against it, just like Dr. King.

“Everyone with blue eyes go to table one.  Everyone with Brown eyes go to table 2.”

“Now, what if the teacher said I’ve got lots of juice, but today only the kids with blue eyes can have more juice.  There’s no juice for the brown-eyed kids, even though I have plenty.  Is that fair?”

“NO!” shouted the kids.

“Well that’s exactly what happened with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  In his case it was actually the United States Government, not just the teacher, who was being unfair and not sharing everything that was available with all of the people.”

“And what does Judaism teach us that we have to do if we see something wrong in the world?”

“We have to fix it” said Emily, “just like Martin Luther King.”

There was a story on NPR last month that showed that despite sharing the same genes, siblings can be completely foreign to each other from a personality perspective.  Not only do they share the same culture, they come from the same gosh darn family….and still sometimes can’t get along. 

You’d think applying some of the basic tenets of Engagement and Inclusion, or Intercultural Communications might help, but…

In intercultural communications, we take responsibility for our actions and our role in an interaction.  We say, “oh, that didn’t work, let me try another approach.”

We don’t say, “You wanna play nice?  You go first.”

In intercultural communications, we learn to recognize when someone’s communication style is different than our own, and we learn to separate the content from the delivery style.

We don’t say “You’re communication style sucks.”

In intercultural communications we learn to assume positive intent first, so that if someone e-mails and texts us on the weekend to confirm a weekend gathering, we think “they must really WANT to reach us and must be more comfortable with this technology assisted communication (or perhaps they are studying Japanese and didn’t say anything…30% of Japanese Send E-Mail First To Ask If They Can Call.  One reason given: “Other person may not like telephone”)

When we look at the missed messages on Monday we don’t think “It was Sunday, why didn’t he/she just pick up the @$%&* phone and call the house if he/she really wanted to talk?

And, finally, in intercultural communications, we might say “tell me the cultural tradition of your beautiful clothing.”

We don’t say “Yeah?!  Well…Your mother dresses you funny!”

Ah, but wait, I just insulted myself.  We have the same mother.

And there lies the deeper difficulty, or perhaps the more profound challenge ultimately yielding the greater reward.

While Engagement and Inclusion and Intercultural Communications are critical for a more productive workplace, and while one hopes that learning to navigate cultural differences at work will promote greater sensitivity overall…at the end of the day these valuable workplace skills, can if one chooses, stay at work.

But family, they are permanent and constant.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Okay.  Swallow.  Let me try another approach.  If I can master this, I can do anything!

Happy Holidays.

Photo credit by Regenboog on Flickr

Farm Scene Birthday Cake

I have to tell you in all honesty that my 9 year old son and I made this birthday cake for his dad/my husband with all the love in our hearts.  Sergio always says he wants to retire on a farm so we chose a farm theme, and inspired by the amazing book “Hello Cupcake,” set to work to create this amazing farm scene, complete with horses, a small pond with fish, and a silo, made of inverted stacked ice cream cones topped with one of those snowball marshmallow cakes, and covered in icing.

Did you say silo?  Yes, I said silo.  That’s what I said.  And that’s what it looks like, right?

Not according to the guests who came to the birthday party that night. 

Scientific Data vs. Generalizations/Assumptions

Now, for a quick sociological analysis of this study, to see if there is any trending of perceptions based on sexual orientation or gender.

Overall, of 21 people total 33.3% of the people attending the party were so moved upon seeing the cake as to approach me and say “so, what’s up with the cake?”  

Of that sample, 29% of the people who self-identified as straight and 43% of the people who self identified as gay thought the silo was something else.  By gender, 25% of the women and 39% of the men saw the alternative interpretation.   So, scientifically, it looks like the gay men were more likely to immediately stop and say “oh my…”

The lesson for intercultural communications? 

1.  Not everyone sees things the same way.

 2.  Once someone shares with you his or her interpretation of or orientation to an object, idea or concept, you will never be able to look at that item the same again.  Your perception is forever changed by learning that of another.

 3.  Just as diverse teams can improve the bottom line with a more productive work place, a diversity of backgrounds and perspectives will make your party more fun, too.

What does this look like to you?  No need to answer in writing, but if you do, please include your sexual orientation to add to the data collection.

After all of the build up, there was no way Dillon was going to miss trying a hot dog in Paris.

“A foot long, on a full baguette, and covered with cheese,” I recalled from my high school exchange trip.

“Sometimes with French Fries stuffed right into the bun!” added my husband.

“It lived up to the hype” said Dillon (not really, he’s 9, but he said something to that effect.)   And then we stopped to ponder the calorie/fat content in such a delicacy.  Ouch!  How can people eat these and stay in shape?

The next morning over breakfast of croissants and butter (isn’t that redundant?) our hostess, good friend and native Parisienne, Laurence, pointed out “But French people are not fat.  We walk everywhere.  We eat well, but we eat three meals and nothing in between.”

Ahh, I thought–the hot dog in the US is the “snack” you eat to hold you over until dinner.  Sure, it can be a meal, but it’s more the “I’m at the game-I smell the cart-Let’s grab a hotdog” kind of thing.

So there are two Intercultural Lessons here:

1.  Your opinion on things will influence your child’s (or student’s) anticipation of them.  That’s a powerful and responsible position, particularly when it comes to engaging in and experiencing different cultural traditions, and

2.  It’s good to understand the full context of an item in another culture, to understand that not only might something be prepared differently, but the custom around its consumption might be different in different cultures (think salad before or after dinner, and cheese for dessert?).

Who knew a hot dog could be such a good teacher?

What favorite foods or pasttimes from your culture have you tried in another?  How were they different?  How were they the same?

Between a Bat Mitzvah (Jewish coming of age ceremony, Bat for girl, Bar for boy) on Saturday and a conversation at lunch yesterday that exposed multiple unconsicous assumptions of mine, I seem to have race, bias, and interculturalism on the brain, and in particular the idea of how culture is passed-on from one generation to the next.

One of the traditions in the Bat Mizvah ceremony is the “Passing of the Torah.   The generations line up, from the 12 or 13 year old bat mitzvah to the parents to the grandparents, and they literally pass the torah–the sacred teachings of Judaism–down from generation to generation until it lands with the youngest generation symbolically ready to takeover as an adult.  I cry every time, looking so profoundly at how we love and raise our children to lead the future. 

As far as the lunch conversation, I got stumped twice–not really stumped, but finding myself having to check my preconceived ideas about “the way things are.” 

My girlfriend, who is Chinese-American, is married to a man who is Korean-American.  Thinking I am so hip and cool unlike my fellow Americans who lump everyone together under “Asian,” I asked if she noticed differences between their Chinese and Korean cultural traditions, thinking I could expound on my deep knowledge and intercultural hyper-sensitivity. 

Well, she noticed differences, but mostly because he was, the best that she could describe, “so Indiana.”  Her husband was adopted as a baby by a couple in small-town Indiana, and their heritage traced back to Germany.  There was really nothing dominant that was culturally Korean about him.

Both instances reflect the passing and learning of culture.  The Bat Mitzvah is in the more traditional sense, Jews teaching Jewish tradition from generation to generation. 

My friend’s husband is in the more global sense, and challenges or guards us against assumptions–as culture is learned, his cultural identity and even values and communication style are most likely normed around a northern European tradition–the one in which he grew up.

But even my friend finds it interesting that a conservative, small town family did something so “exotic” (her word) like adopting a child from Asia.  In fact, when the two of them were taking a road trip (they now live in the Big City…Chicago) to see his family they stopped at McDonald’s, and she said the entire place stopped eating and stared at this Asian couple who had entered their midst. 

So he is culturally one of “them” but not immediately recognized as such. 

And, on top of that he is a stay-at-home dad.  Well, I don’t know what to say now, except that he sounds brilliant and fantastic and defies any categorization you (ouch–was that me trying to do that?) might try to place on him.

Remind you of anyone you know (yourself included?)

Photo credit MHZmaster on flickr