Dear Mrs. Obama,

Wow, what a cool appearance on I-Carly (debuted January 16, “iMeet the First Lady.” How exciting to use such a popular platform to spread the message about how important it is to support military families.  It was a brilliant marketing idea (I understand it was yours) to reach the 5.5 million people who watched the episode, making it the week’s top telecast with all kid and tween demos.  The show served as a great Public Service Announcement to support military families.

On the other hand, I’m sorry you couldn’t have put in a plug for anti-racism and healthy relationships—in particular non-violent resolution to conflict.  Without denigrating what you did and the positive message you spread, I’m wondering if you’ve watched the show lately.  While we (me, my husband and our 10 year old son) have watched the show for at least a couple of years, (and we didn’t want to miss seeing you) 2012 is the year we say goodbye.

Why? First, we can’t swallow the promotion of violence as the first resolution to conflict, particularly for young people beginning to explore love relationships.   It was the “iCan’t Take It” episode in September, at the outset of Season 5, that did it.  Freddie and Sam are getting closer, Carly hates being in the middle, Gibby gets revenge by telling Mrs. Benson, Freddie’s mom, and all hell breaks loose.  But for every conflict, Sam reacts violently.  She gets mad at Freddie, she kicks him.  She gets mad at Gibby, she pulls out a 3” section of hair and scalp.  Gibby threatens Mrs. Benson.   And it’s all supposed to be funny. 

But it’s not.  You know why?  Because teen-dating violence is real, and it’s not funny.  According to the Bureau of Justice teen dating violence statistics , about one in three high school students have been or will be involved in an abusive relationship.  The show is following tweens morphing into teens, puppy love, learning about relationships.  According to iCarly—lying, beating, punching and kicking is the way to go.  To which I say no. 

And I did, until all of the promo for iStill Pshycho, the much hyped follow-up to last year’s iPsycho, where Carly, Sam and Freddie are taken hostage by an over-zealous fan.  We hadn’t watched since September, Sam and Freddie are no longer a couple; so, let’s try it again, right?

Except that, aside from the fact that untreated mental illness is not funny (think Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords), the violence has escalated.  IPsycho features torture, sword fights, and possibly worse, passive inaction at the suffering of others.  Freddie is attacked while Sam and Carly idly watch eating cake.  “It was really good cake,” they explain.  Gibby makes it to the top of the chimney to get help for the others imprisoned inside, only to get stuck.  The neighborhood kids, seeing his plight, instead pelt him with tennis balls.  

But the subplot is what really got me…over the top racism.  T-Bo, the manager of the Groovy Smoothie shop and only African American character on the show (On the good side, I suppose, it looks like his character is being integrated more centrally into the show) is now renting a room from Mrs. Benson, Freddie’s over-protective mom.  But, it looks like to stay there, he is being forced to act “white.”  To act “Proper” is the term used in the plot summary.  But to act “proper,” he changes from his bright clothes into a suit and neatly secures his waist long dreadlocks before heading ‘home.’  He speaks in a formal voice, and has to learn to play Mahjong (Note—my 10 year old son says this last point undermines my argument that he’s forced to act white, as Mahjong is a 2,000 year old Chinese game.)  Why does he do this, the kids ask him? “If my mom sees how he really is,” answers Freddie, “she’d never let him in my house.” 

“Let’s all pretend T-Bo doesn’t have feelings,” he responds.

In the end, after riding a motorcycle through the door and saving Spencer (Carly’s older brother) and the kids from an eternity in hell, he’s allowed to be himself and stay at Mrs. Benson’s, but when he goes in to join the group hug—they recoil in disgust, not wanting to be touched by him.

So, Mrs. Obama, I understand that Sasha and Malia are fans of the show.  My question to you is, are these the lessons you are planning to teach them?  For me and my ten year old son, the answer is no.

Perhaps the real answer is watching together to talk about the issues.  “How could that have been resolved differently?”  “What would/could you have done in that situation?”

What are you and your kids doing together, and what are you talking about at the dinner table?

Photo Credits:  Mrs. Obama on iCarly, Lisa Rose/Nickelodeon, T-Bo in Suit from Robs I-Carly blog, and T-Bo as himself, Sodahead

Just ask Ryan, who’s overweight, or Samantha who doesn’t quite know how to socialize—because of a developmental disability, or maybe not.  Kids know when they are different, but do they know how to make others feel included?

In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day my mom, a 40 year veteran of teaching Religious Education at two reform Jewish congregations, asked me to be the “guest speaker” last weekend for her kindergarten class about the legacy of Dr. King.

I had 20 minutes, and they were 5.  In the world of “coulda, shoulda, woulda” could I have prepared more?  Should I have included more biographical information on Dr. King?  Would it have been better for her to have selected someone else?

Sure, but here’s what I say.  1.) Put your money where your mouth is.  If someone asks you to volunteer to speak about something about which you feel passionate (equitable society, combating prejudice, etc.) you say yes, and 2.) If adults will only remember three things that you tell them, kids will remember one.

The Government was denying people rights because of their skin color.  That was wrong.  Dr. King acted and fought for what was right.

Alright kids, what does Judaism say we are obligated to do when we see something wrong in the world?  “Fix it!” they shouted.  Lesson learned?  Hope so.  Lesson lasting?  Hope so too.

Here’s what we did in 20 minutes or less:

ACTIVITY 1:  “Same and Different”

EQUIPMENT NEEDED:  None

ROOM SET-UP:  Helpful to have two to three distinct corners, tables, or ‘bases’ within room where kids can go.

LEARNING OBJECTIVE:  We really don’t know anything about a person or what we might share in common with them, just by physical appearance.  Getting to know someone is what shows his or her character.  Judging before knowing is called prejudice, and might prevent a child from making a good friend.

HOW TO:  Select 4 to 6 questions that will allow the kids to self-select based on things called out by the leader.  Examples might be “boy or girl;” “oldest, middle, youngest, or only child;” “food preferences, such as liking fish or chocolate.”

“If you are the oldest child, go to table 1. If you are the youngest child, go to table 2. If you’re the middle child, table 3”

“If you are a boy, got to table 1; if you are a girl, go to table 2”

“If you are Jewish, go to table 1.”  (Also good to show that just because we are all the same, Jewish, doesn’t mean we all like the same things.)

“If you like to eat fish, go to table 1.  If you don’t like fish or you’re a vegetarian, go to table 2.”

Each time the kids were told to look at who was in their group.   Sometimes kids were similar or different based on physical characteristics. Sometimes all the kids were the same.  And sometimes kids found things in common with each other that they didn’t know just by looking.

“So what can you tell just by looking at someone?”  “Nothing!” answered one child.”

“How can you tell if you might be friends with someone?  “By what’s inside,” said another.

ACTIVITY 2:  Blue Eyes/Brown Eyes (VERY truncated version derived from hearing about the original experment)

EQUIPMENT NEEDED:  None

ROOM SET-UP:  Helpful to have two to three distinct corners, tables, or ‘bases’ within room where kids can be in the same room, but separated.

LEARNING OBJECTIVE:  Recognizing Institutional Bias and standing up against it, just like Dr. King.

“Everyone with blue eyes go to table one.  Everyone with Brown eyes go to table 2.”

“Now, what if the teacher said I’ve got lots of juice, but today only the kids with blue eyes can have more juice.  There’s no juice for the brown-eyed kids, even though I have plenty.  Is that fair?”

“NO!” shouted the kids.

“Well that’s exactly what happened with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  In his case it was actually the United States Government, not just the teacher, who was being unfair and not sharing everything that was available with all of the people.”

“And what does Judaism teach us that we have to do if we see something wrong in the world?”

“We have to fix it” said Emily, “just like Martin Luther King.”

I’ve learned in USAmerican Culture, that usually the value of “why” is measured in money…how much money will it make?  Or what Fortune 500 company are you doing it for?

As a marketing strategist, of course I tell my clients at the outset you need to define your objective, to have measurable results.

But if you think about it, why not?  Feeling compassion/empathy is a practice and a habit, just like exercise.  It takes three weeks of practice for it to become a habit, and then it’s something you can’t live without.

Mothers in Iraq or the Congo love and yearn to protect their babies just as much as mothers in the US.  Awful things don’t happen to “those people.”  They happen to people.  Practicing empathy and compassion helps to see the “person” in others.

And, all any of us has is our integrity.  Do you ‘walk the talk?’  Live a life based on your values?   If you don’t, who will?

What are your values?  Do you live them?

White Tim White talks a lot about White Privilege, White Peggy McIntosh is well-known for “Unpacking the White Knapsack” about what it means to be white, and most recently, White Mikhail Lyubansky, professor of Psychology at the University of Illinois, takes a stab at the notion in his article on psychologytoday.com, “Going Where Glenn Beck Refused to Go:  Defining White Culture.” In the article, Lyubansky refers to “Thandeka’s Race Game,” a game she shares in her book, Learning to Be White, after a white colleague asked what it was like to be black.

The Race Game, as my luncheon partner very quickly discovered, had only one rule.  For the next seven days, she must use the ascriptive term white whenever she mentioned the name of one of her Euro-American cohorts.  She must say, for instance, “my white husband, Phil,” or “my white friend, Julie,” or “my lovely white child Jackie.”

But this one didn’t seem to feel right for me–maybe because it would be my “Brazilian husband,” or my “Asian colleague.”  Or maybe it’s because I’ve long been sensitive to attaching racial qualifiers to anything–you’re not a great “African-American Artist,” you’re a great artist who’s African American.

What seemed more at the heart was the dichotomy set up by majority culture…There’s white, and then there’s everything else.  I notice that you are black or Hispanic, but no-one ascribes a label to me, because I’m white.  It’s like why colorblind doesn’t work–WHITE can be colorblind because no-one notices your color.  But for a person of color, no-one lets you forget it.

So I wore my racial identity on my chest.  Literally, with my “I Am White” Button.

Here’s what I noticed day one:

1.  The first person who saw it was my banker at the drive through, a young woman I have labeled Hispanic, who asked what it was, thinking that the person she’s known and been nice to for years was actually a white suprematist.  When I explained my game, she said “Oh, I thought it was because of Arizona, you know with everything about Immigration there now.”  Dillon only got one lollipop instead of the usual five, and I was left fearing I would get beat up before the end of the day.

In the absensce of defining or claiming white culture, what is white is being defined for us.

2.  I made a new best friend at the coffee shop where I was meeting for work on the Hyde Park Jazz Festival today.  After a minute or two she said, “alright, I have to ask, does that say ‘I am white’?  The people at the next two tables chimed in once she mentioned it.  I explained the game, and why I was wearing the button, and she (African American) said “Your right!  I do that all the time…I say “my white friends, or my “crazy friends” or my “black friends..”

Wait, I thought, you’re doing it wrong!  Only white people are supposed to use racial qualifiers…you do it too?

3.  I felt really self-conscious all day, and on a couple of occasions actually hid my button with papers when someone I knew walked by (nice that I can just hide my racial identifier when I want to).  My last stop of the day was the post office, and both of the gentlemen behind the counter asked,  one with an immediate “I am white…what is that about?”

I again explained that as a white person in a majority white culture, I didn’t have to wear my race on my sleeve…but that my understanding from the field, from blogs, etc. was that for people of color, they were more conscious of their race all the time.  And that’s how I felt most of the day, almost ‘palm-sweatingly’ hyper-conscious of my white race.

“It’s not that I’m conscious of my race (black) he said–I don’t think about it at all.  It’s that I hear something.  Someone will say something, and that’s what brings it to the forefront.”

What do you think?  What would you say if you saw the button?  Or, wear one and let me know what happens?

Remember the 1958 film The Blob, with its big red amorphous goo rolling and taking over the town, absorbing the minds of young people who were not strong enough to resist?  Of course the “BIG RED BLOB” was none too subtle a reference to the Red Scare and fear of Communism taking over the US. 

Russia’s our friend now, so in Furry Vengeance, it’s the big bad Asian and Indian business people who heartlessly come in and tear up our natural resources and values in the name of the almighty dollar.  When I pointed this out to Dillon (okay, I should have waited more than 3 minutes after the movie ended to point out my theory) he said exasperated, “can I just enjoy the movie first?”

But the stereotypes were just too over the top. 

With the Asian-American businessman, Neil Lyman of Lyman Industries (played by actor Ken Jeong), he’s obviously USAmerican, and his role has nothing to do with being of Asian descent, and yet he inexplicably goes into some sort of Chinese, Japanese, Karate, English Gibberish rant when enraged, as in “aii yaaai yowie you stew-peed.  He then ads some fake karate tae Kwan do preparation moves in defense.

The Indian investors are fairly quiet, but when Brendan Frasier as the dad makes his impassioned plea “if you sign you’ll kill all the baby animals” Lyman counters with “but you’ll make oodles of money,” to which he completely unaffected says “give me the pen, where do I sign?”

Finally, in a purely gratuitous swipe at the elderly, the only character in the entire movie over 40 is constantly forgetting what she is saying and trying to get everyone, including even the raccoon, to paint pine cones.  Clearly there are no OLD PEOPLE in Utopia.

So maybe I’m overreacting, I thought.  What did others think?  In the blogosphere—right there with me on the awful stereotyping.  On the more mainstream media—only one star, but mostly for simply not being that funny.  And then I read the Chicago Tribune movie critic’s review:

“A bit player exaggerates his Mexican accent, and the Korean American doctor-turned-comic Jeong bursts into shrill, sing-songy Korean chatter on his cell-phone. Kids are never too young to find foreign languages funny.” 

Thank you, Mr. Movie critic, for pointing out kids are never too young to mock other cultures and laugh at racist stereotypes.

Well, at least they may take away a positive (albeit 2 dimensional pound-you-over-the-head-with-it) message about protecting the environment. 

Oh, and my 9 year old son liked the movie–there are potty scenes and skunk scenes and getting sprayed with water to look like you just did youknow what…all around general humor that will appeal to a child.

Oh, and we’re still talking about it and how cultures are represented or stereotyped in film almost a week later. 

So, in the end, perhaps the laugh is on those who created the stereotyped characters in the first place. 

What movies have you seen lately?  How do you balance letting your child enjoy it, while also opening discussion for learning?

Intercultural Talk was delighted to catch up with Dr. Charlton McIlwain following his ‘appearance’ on DoctorRadio on Sirius/XM Radio earlier this week, talking about “Teaching Kids about Race.” 

1.  What are the top three pointers you have for parents when teaching kids about race?

2.  Does how one talks about race with their children change based on the race of the parents, e.g. will (should?) African-Americans teach it differently than Caucasians?  If a family is multi-racial, will that make it different?

That’s a good question. I think my first reaction would be to say no – that how one talks about race with children should be the same no matter your racial/ethnic background. That being said, it is certainly likely that the content of what one talks about will be quite different. When we look at the historical underpinnings of race and racism people of different backgrounds have played very different roles and groups of people have been affected differently. Thus, a white parent speaking to his or her children may find themselves explaining to their children what role other whites had in something like slavery, or having to answer a question like, “Why do Black people think I’m a racist because I’m White?” On the other hand, a  Black parent may find him or herself addressing comments or questions like, “Why are White people prejudiced? or Why are there so few people that look like me on Television or in my school textbook? A multiracial family may find themselves having to address all of these and more! The truth is, everyone from all backgrounds should probably confront all of these types of questions and issues, but some may be more salient than others depending on one’s background.
 

3.  How might parents avoid passing along their own unconscious bias when talking to kids about race?

Being able and willing to recognize them when they come up. Be willing to point out and talk about those biases when they are expressed by their children. Try to impress on children that when they express some bias or prejudice, the object is not simply to not say it or express it again. It’s to think through why those biases may or may not be true, hurtful, harmful, etc.. In this way kids learn to be aware of and be able to police their own biases and expressions rather than merely censoring them.

4.  Any tips for helping children respond if they are the recipients of a racist remark (or does even asking this question set up a defensiveness going in for the child) 

Try to teach them that they should not respond in kind. Try to teach them that they should not accept or internalize the underlying prejudices and sentiments of the remark. Try to teach them that in many cases they should seek out an ally – a parent, teacher, principal – who will be able to talk to the person who made the remark.

5.  What question am I missing? What final advice might you provide for parents?

I would say that point one under question one is by far the most important thing. Make sure you are willing, and that your children know you are willing to talk about race and racial issues any time – before something happens, after something happens, if nothing happens…

Dr. McIlwain is an Associate Professor of Media, Culture & Communication at New York University.  His expertise, research and teaching focus on race and media and racial discourse in the United States.  Intercultural Talk ( @cultureguru) recommends keeping up with him @cmcilwain) and @smcaliendo and their Project on Race in Political Communication on Twitter.

Any additional tips you would share?  What’s worked for you?  What hasn’t?

My Aunt used to stand near people at the big art shows and just eavesdrop to see what they thought the artist was saying.  Another Uncle just used to waive away all modern art as something a child could create.  And who hasn’t produced a piece of white paper and called it “Ghost in the Snow” or some such name, proclaiming it a work of art.

It’s fantastic to see ”what the experts” have to say before expressing an opinion, or convenient to simply poo-poo that which we don’t understand. 

In that way visiting an art gallery is kind of like Intercultural Communications.  You know you shouldn’t shout “Ewww!  He’s Naked!” upon your first impression, but without background information on intent (for art) or cultural insight (for cross-cultural communications) there’s often that fear of being wrong or unintentionally causing offense.

“Is this racist?”  was Dillon, my 8 year old son’s question pointing to Invisible Man II sculpture by Albert Allen III, found in an ad for Sherry Hill Fine Arts in an Architectural Digest magazine at the Dentist’s Office.

 Seems powerful, considering the history of the image of a white man in black face.  But there’s no mouth.  Black man trying to conform to live in white world, remains voiceless?  Invisible?  Would the message be different if the artist was white or black, and why would I only think of those two options for him?  And what’s that around his neck–Dillon was reminded of a bow-tie, as a reference to a formal event, I was reminded of a noose or bondage.

What do you think?

Dillon’s Pick is part of a periodic series of ad analysis, observations or selections by 8 year old Dillon, a budding multiculturalist.

Dillon’s pick this week is the ad above for “Confederate Family Insurance.

It was so offensive, that we realized it couldn’t possibly be true.  Indeed, it is from Spike Lee’s faux documentary “Confederate States of America,” that looks at the US as thought the South had won the Civil War.

It’s extreme representations, however, provide perfect fodder for a budding multiculturalist-Dillon is 8-to hone his skills in recognizing inequities in advertising.

So, Dillon, what is wrong with this ad?

Um, at first they called him “master of the house.”  And in the beginning, a servant came to bring him his drink.  He looked at his wife and child as property, and everything revolved around him.  The gardener in the end was African American–but they were showing him really just to show it.  Plus his house looked like a plantation.

Many a parent will bemoan the stereotypic representations in children’s movies, TV, and commercials (Videos are so rife with issues we don’t even go there!), but how do you talk about them with your children?  For Dillon, he recognizes when something is sexist or racist, but sometimes doesn’t know why. 

The tricky part is when he asks me what I think–so that I allow him to form his own opinions, without potentially passing along my own biases.  But at least we are talking and forming language, and that is a great place to start.

What did you talk about with your kids at breakfast this morning?